Exhausted all so exhausted all the time, though they got me on some medication to combat that, which is good. Hoping it’s just some part of this current relapse and then when I’m in remission I’ll be chipper and jumping up and down and all of that stuff. Also? For priding myself on my brain and its smarts and all that silly stuff my brain lately has become this strange thing, this labyrinth made of shadows and light but nothing solid to stand on, nothing solid at all…
most times I’m fine and I’m okay. But then my brain plays tricks on me. My memory falters. Words replace other words that make no fucking sense. I know they’re the wrong words, but I can’t remember the right words sometime. It’s all mundane things, stupid things, these words are lost to me somehow, and then come back, and then go away again. Like, silly example, for some reason when I have to do dishes my brain thinks “I need to do laundry”. I know I don’t. I know I have to do dishes. But the words, they’re all scrambled in my brain. The same goes vice versa, I think “I need to do dishes” but in my brain it means “I need to do laundry” and I swear I know it’s wrong, I know what I mean I can picture it right, and I perform the right tasks…but the words are wrong.
As a semi-professional writer this terrifies me. Maybe it will go away. Maybe it will burn out and never return. I really hope so. I don’t like having all the words scrambled. Like, for example, trellis and mural. The words are mixed up.
And eating. Some days I don’t feel hungry at all, and have to remind myself to eat. Other days? I can’t stop eating. Some days my tongue feels like I’ve bitten on it, and it’s numb, but it only sort of hurts? It’s not sore to the touch, but it feels like it should be.
MS is an interesting thing. As a writer I deal with it like I deal with everything: I’m writing about it. Right now, in stories, etc. I deal with it in the way I always do: I talk about it to myself on paper and then run and hide when others can see it.
But hey, I’ve got David Sedaris’s new book to read. And the rest of Infinite Jest. And some more of Parsifal (the recent novel). So yeah, them’s good things.