so the other bad stuff yeah, that stuff…
I have Multiple Sclerosis. It’s like being hit with scissors in the head and someone pulling all of you out and then trying to put the pieces back together but it’s all wrong and such…and it seems like I’ve had it for 10 years now, just didn’t know it, just completely in denial over all the symptoms and everything, thinking hey all these things go away so I’m okay and then they come back, and somethings linger around….
like being haunted by some poltergiest that’s taking over my body piece by piece and changing me, I’m becoming patchwork someone else, and I mean there is no way for me to not feel broken any more, because that’s what I am, I’m broken now. I know, I need to be positive and fight these fucking ghosts, but I can’t lie to myself either, it’s not right, you know? I have to deal with what I have. Doesn’t mean I have to let these spirits steamroll me and make me into some doll with strings tied up into someone else’s hands making me dance or whatever.
So. Still. Yes. Still.
And there is a fear in a long dark tunnel down at the end and that’s the posibility of what the disease will bring, how it will change and destroy me or not or maybe because it’s so random where the ghost fingers lay down and change me, cutting out pieces of me and replacing them with old broken doll parts masquerading as real parts. It can be all sorts of nasty horrifying things or nothing at all, or everything at all, but I have to prepared, I need to be prepared….
So ten years of this and without medication or treatment because of denial and I’m walking still and everything. That’s good. That’s hopeful. That means that somehow maybe I can be a person who isn’t always on the edge of surviving, of watching for needles and threads coming into my spine and my skull and stitching through and leaving scars and changing me. It’s like fingerprints of shadows all across me.
but wholeness I guess is a relative thing cause somehow we’re all broken in some ways and I just going on and on and on, even as I drop puzzle pieces of myself along the way…towards the cave towards the light…crawling upside down to the void….