there was no future anymore, the future was gone and hidden behind tomorrow

more from that WIP I haven’t posted from in awhile … I wrote it while listening to this-



Trees turn into buildings turn into trees turn into buildings as they drive along the road, and Petal feels the car struggling against the wind as she drives. Bear is asleep in the car seat next to her, snoring Bear snores like tiny cubs playing in the dark. She feels tired and slumber calling on in, but it’s been a long time since Bear slept so she’s letting him go, letting him sleep as she drives. Besides, she can always sleep later, there is always later, isn’t there?

She looks outside at the changing world, at the dark grey getting darker sky, at the streetlamps turning on and almost pushing sidewise and she hopes somehow the world will still be there when Bear wakes up. She looks over at his cellphone propped up on the dashboard and sees the small GPS tracker telling them where Molly might be now, might be later.  She wonders if they will ever catch up, and if Molly ever wants them to. Petal in a way hopes that Molly stays missing, just so that she and Bear could be together longer.

But she knows it’s wrong to think those thoughts. Molly can’t be in a good place, can she? Not after everything else, and she knows she loves Molly. The dinosaurs- how could she not love Molly after the dinosaurs?

yet yet yet yet yet yet yet yet yet yet

She wants it to be just two of them oh god she needs it to be just the two of them. It’s been too long since she’s been happy and Walter never made her happy and Bear makes her happy and doesn’t she deserve happiness?

But still, she knows better she knows better she does. Part of her just wishes the world was different somehow, that everything was better somehow and not broken somehow. She really wants the world to stop being broken and why can’t it? Why can’t it stop being broken? When did the world shatter, when did their lives splinter into others? Why can’t happiness be so easy to find, so easy to pin down and keep happy keep on being happy without everything being so shit all the time?

She looks at the GPS she looks at Bear asleep she looks at the GPS she looks at Bear asleep she looks at the GPS she looks at Bear asleep she bites her tongue to keep sane and then looks at the GPS and then looks at Bear asleep and then looks back at the GPS again and then looks back at Bear asleep again and then this time she looks out the window and thinks of throwing the fucking cellphone out the window and she stops, fingers around it, moves her hand back, stops, moves her hand back to the wheel and decides not to throw it.

Instead she pulls over to the side of the road and screams and punches the wheel and Bear wakes up and looks at her with foggy sleep filled eyes. “What’s wrong? Hoom?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing I promise.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay, nothing. Okay.”

And then he goes back to sleep while the wind whips into the car and everything looks different, looks like it’s ready to be wet with rain. She laughs then and wonders when the promise of childhood stopped and died and went away. She remembers so often as a kid, little kid, tiny kid, dressing up, playing around, pretending a future that was a perfect future with husband and wife and house and two kids and a puppy. And she remembers thinking her parents would protect her from everything, from anything at all, she was perfectly safe with them even when she woke up to screaming and fighting she knew that she was safe with them…

until her dad left and then nothing was right again. maybe that was when the world broke and shattered and the innocence stopped and everything was a lie from that moment on, and she stopped pretending a perfect future because there was no future anymore, the future was gone and hidden behind tomorrow

she understands Molly then…Molly always trying to capture the present so she could keep it and revisit it later in a glass of water in a cube of ice in anything at all, trying to hold onto that moment, trying to always hold on…that’s what Petal wants now, she knows it, she wants all time to stop so she could hold onto it now and hold onto the innocence of herself unknowing of future or past or any time but now now now at all

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