HERE ARE THE TOP SEKRIT KEYS HANDED DOWN FROM ON HIGH FROM GRAND MASONS OF THE WRITERLANDS. FOLLOW THESE AND YOU SHALL BECOME
- Remove all voice, diction, complexity, confusion, philosophy from your story
- Make sure your tone, etc matches that of Journalism. Something that does not sound like a person, but rather a typewriter. Or a news anchor.
- Use someone else’s narrative structures. Freytag’s Pyramid, The Monomyth, Fairy Tales, etc. The older and more overused it is, the better.
- Worship McKee’s Story. Write like a movie, because that’s what you really want out of all this anyway. A film deal.
- Characters should be a collection of one-dimensional traits that are easy to portray in any situation. This gives the reader a chance to pretend they are real and consistent, when in fact they are cardboard and glue.
- Read millions of blogs on writing. Listen to every advice. Worship writers with a modicum of more success than you. Imitate them in hopes of being them.
- Join a critique group. Workshop the fuck out of everything. Listen to everyone. Do as they say. Write stories that make your critique group happy. Write for them, write to make them applaud. They know what’s best for you.
- Avoid anything that could make a story considered “art”. Art is unsalable. As is anything involving emotion, context, or imagination. Stick to the basics.
- Plot! Plot! Happy endings! Pay offs at the end! Endings!
- Be predictable and cliche in all things. Be mediocre in all things.
That said, fuck that noise. Why would you want to be a good writer? Good? What’s good about good?