Ok, so the main problem with the original bits was the narrative. There were many flaws with it- the main one being the narrator’s voice, the lack of narrative drive. There was too much infodumping, not enough intimacy, too much wandering, not enough tension within the narrative frame work.
And I realized the main two cores of these flaws-
1. The narrator needs to be third person limited, rather than third person omni (for this story, this has nothing to do with either one being better as a form of literature, but rather what fits this story)
2. The focal character needs to change. Originally, it was going to be about Lady Birdbones herself. But even though I know the x and y of her plotline through the book, she doesn’t feel right as the main character. Instead, I plan on switching perspectives, bringing in the Butterfly Killers as the main characters.
The Butterfly Killers are a group of religious assassins out to kill Lady Birdbones. She becomes, in the course of the book, a mystic of sorts, and in becoming such, attracts the wrong attention.
Here is the new first line I’m pondering-
The sun center of the butterfly tasted of honey on her lips, the wings beating against her teeth and crunching like bones against her incisors.
Much more intimate….
