Beginnings are important to me. The begining of the latest Raven’s Cycle didn’t really quite work for me. So I edited it, changed it, rebuilt it. Here is that change:
Corpses were scattered in messy circles on the ground, arms and limbs twisted into strange angles, bodies of mothers holding children, lovers cowering together, hands brittle with fingers broken, shattered. They lay beneath the swaying sun bleached skulls, dangling from twisted and bent tree branches, and over patches of yellowing grass that had been burnt away, leaving only the foul stench of scorched earth behind and the remnants of a ring of fire.
Abeyto crawled close. Closer. His stomach bare against ground, his ribs strewn with pebble marks, kisses from the bear goddess who slept under earth. Almost eye to eye with the feet walking through the grass, almost eye to eye with bare, hairy legs of dog men.
A sound rose from the ruins. Tick, tick, tick, loud and angry. Clank, clank, clank. And then a release of steam and howling bursting metallic noises. Noises like death from under earth, like fire in your hand. Abeyto had not seen this in his vision. Had not heard this. The sound made his ears hurt, his heart hurt, his bone and flesh hurt. Sharp pains crawling, dancing.
Awesome. This IS a major change from the last excerpt, and I love it. I almost feel guilty telling you that this is superior to the last one. However, there were some good lines in the first one that can be recycled.
Oh, I do plan on recycling them. The last excerpt was decent, but it lacked narrative tension for me. This one doesn’t- the narrative is tightly focused, like a spring screwed down and about to be sprung.